I know I’ve been slacking on my blogs lately and I actually had one almost done on Wednesday night but then got distracted and never finished it. It’s the type of blog I tend to not want to share because I think some of my readers begin to feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I want, but if I am going to honestly portray what this disease is capable of…I need to share the hard days as well as the good days because this is also a part of our reality. The rest of the week ended up going a lot better and we were able to celebrate Leah’s birthday but I’m too tired to do a new blog and since I’ve gotten a few messages, I’ll share the blog from Wednesday to catch up…
Today was one of those days…a day of symptoms not so much from my surgery, but from the fm. The last few days actually, I’ve slowly been feeling more “off”. Heart palpitations have been more noticeable with the rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath again, to the point Tim even noticed me gasping in some of our conversations. Thankfully it doesn’t last terribly long.
And then mornings are always rough on me due to the extreme fogginess and yucky feeling. So this morning before getting out of bed, I took a few moments to gather my thoughts…what did I do last night, what day is it today and what do I need to be doing? This is a typical morning but today was worse…and Tim confirmed that when I went downstairs.
He had gotten up early with the kids so that I could sleep a little longer and when I went downstairs and walked in to the kitchen I got “the look” from him, which I know he thinks I didn’t notice. He tried to go about what he was doing but then stopped, looked at me again, looked down to the floor and I knew what was coming…because today, I knew I looked as bad as I felt! Haha!
And bless his heart he simply said I looked a little more “swollen” today. And it’s funny because my biggest obstacle with this disease is that I “look” healthy but when you finally acknowledge my symptoms and tell me I look rough or I look sick, I get defensive about it. Today, however, I agreed with him. I mean, I felt like the stay puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters so it was hard to argue!🤓 Haha! So after I got all of the kids on the bus and to school I came home…and I cried. I began to question why I’m not working because while I am feeling okay for the most part from my surgery…this fm junk will never go away.
And not working only adds to the stress because I know how much work is piling up on my desk in the office I haven’t been to for almost three weeks! My very few coworkers patiently waiting for me to return so that I can do my job, in order for them to do a certain part of their job!
And it wasn’t just me that I cried for, but everything. Leah ended up with another double ear infection this week, the third one in 5 months, meaning we got referred to an ears, nose and throat specialist for possilbe tubes and removal of adenoids! I know this is common but everything just always adds up to so much!!
Thankfully Asher had a follow up on his ears and all looked great, but seeing the heartache my parents continue to go through while watching the cancer slowly take my grandma away from us, Tim’s brother having to do another bone biopsy because his last round of labs didn’t come back the way they had liked them to. Then Tim’s uncle also passed away…from cancer.
And of course I cried for my husband…a man who has so much sorrow around him. A man who works extremely hard without a day off and does whatever necessary to provide for our family…even on some of our most difficult days! And when I say our “difficult” days I mean days when my symptoms are so severe that it scares both of us and those not so fun discussions of “what if” come up.
I hate these days the most, a day like today, because I see the fear and hesitation in Tim’s eyes as he’s walking out the door to go to work. I cried because I want my husband to stay home with me because we have something exciting planned or simply just to be with me for a day of fun…not because he thinks I might drop dead!!
All this within a few days. So much to continually pray for!!
Once I cried some tears…okay, a lot of tears…and did some praying I was better…emotionally anyways. Mom had also called several times throughout the week because I know she sensed me struggling, even though I said I was “fine”. But, my mom has rhumetoid arthritis and sarcoidosis both which affect her body physically as well as her heart and lungs so mom and I can usually tell when each other is having a “bad” day.
So, I did what I always do…I put on some music…Danny Gokey, to be exact, and oh, by the way, he liked and replied to my comment! Haha😍 And I began to listen to the words of the songs and I did some more scrapbooking. I laughed at some of the pictures and was again able to see how far God has brought me throughout the scattered memories spread out across the floor..broken undeserving me, surrounded by pictures of amazing blessings!
There is so much heartache and so much grief in this world but God is true to His promises! And while I don’t know what He’s up to with all of our loved ones hurting and struggling so much right now, the situations are no surprise to Him. God has me, He has all of us, and if we can just let down our guard, even just a little bit, and trust Him, these dark days will shine some light.
Look at their smiles…all while sharing with me what they have learned about God!! I’d say it was a pretty good day afterall…and while my day began with tears of frustration…my day ended with tears of joy and gratitude!
Please keep my amazing parents, uncle and grandma in your prayers as well as Tim and his wonderful family!