Well, tomorrow is the big day and it’s a time that no matter what the outcome, it is always bitter sweet. When they do the heart cath, and if my stents are open then that’s great news! But then what? What is the reasoning behind my fast heart rate, crazy heart palpitations, extreme fatigue and all of the lousy symptoms I have been experiencing? Is my FM progressing this fast or are these just the bad days to be expected due to the way my nasty disease works??
If my stents are narrowing and closed then that is good news only because I now have justification for the last several months of me feeling like death on certain days. I guess out of all the possibilities, stents being closed would be my best option. I would finally have answers, yet that also means my pulmonary artery stents only stayed open about 8 months and that would be extremely discouraging. My SVC stents stayed open 5 years before I began having problems so I was hoping the same for the PA stents, if not longer.
Tim is the one who has to tell me the results when I wake up from the sedation so he is preparing himself for my reaction 😉 Honestly, no matter what the outcome, it’s kind of a lose lose, at least right now I feel this way simply because I have forgotten how healthy the stents once made me feel. The last several months have been extremely difficult for me, physically and emotionally. Having to get my stents opened is just a reminder that I really am not “cured”, these procedures that have turned in to every 3 months whether for my PA stents….or my SVC stents only confirms that haunting phrase once said to me “we need to focus on the quality of life, not the quantity of life”.
So yeah, this is how I feel everytime I am due to go in for a procedure. Negativity kind of takes over but I know I just need to keep praying and putting my trust in God. At first though I am fine with having to go in for the procedure and I am thankful that I have something that can be “fixed”. The closer my procedure gets, my emotions turn to doubt and I question if my symptoms are really as severe as I think they are. I mean, I just need to get more exercise and rest right? Then the night before and the morning of my procedure, I feel sorry for anyone who is around me! I turn extremely bitter not to mention terrified thinking about all of the what ifs?! And I think of some crazy off the wall stuff! Or even worse, what will the results bring.
So while I try to read my bible for peace, I swear I turn ADHD trying to understand some of the verses…but I still read and do find a sense of comfort. However, I really feel music has been God’s major source of communication with me. Every situation I’ve gone through, certain songs have come on the radio describing exactly what I was going through along with finding hope in the fact that God is with me, not to mention the reassurance I feel from turning these songs on at the most appropriate times in my life.
In July of 2013 I had developed a blood clot in my chest and ended up in the hospital for the weekend which then resulted in 2 more stents for a total of 6 stents just in my SVC. The following months would be dreadful as my health began to deteriorate yet my SVC stents were open so I was becoming depressed and frustrated not knowing what was happening to me. On October 24, 2013 we discovered the disease in which I was once told “the damage is done”, was not true. My FM was indeed progressing and attacking my heart.
Through the months of feeling awful, every time I got into the car certain songs played, one being “Worn”, and all I could do was cry and think how depressing! “Lead Me” was another song during this time as I had started to give up my fight, and it was Tim that fought for me and reminded me that all of these tests and procedures were indeed worth it if I could have more time with my family.
The obstacles of facing health issues also took its toll on our marriage and another song “Restore” came on the radio during one of our toughest times. I made Tim listen to it but he just had some smart comments to make, indicating to me that the lyrics had touched him as well. Such amazing songs yet tough to hear just because it was such an emotional time.
But these songs also followed with “Healing Begins” and the song “Move” which motivated me to keep pushing forward.
The last couple of weeks I have been discouraged and every time I get into the car that dang song “Move” comes on which I hadn’t heard it in quite some time. Sometimes I cry because I know this is God’s way of letting me know He’s with me and everything will be fine but sometimes I cry bc I am tired and simply do not want to listen. However, I don’t change the station but instead force myself to listen and let the lyrics sink in. These are the times when I pray even harder because no good ever comes from shutting God out.
So, tomorrow is just another trip to the hospital, another day of Tim taking the brunt of my nasty personality but in my defense, it’s kind of mean for him to eat breakfast in front of me 😉 Another day of me getting grumpy with the nurses because they will probably have to try two or three times to get my IV in, but instead of saying anything, I flash Tim my “look” indicating how annoyed I am. Then I’ll get grumpy about waiting to go in to surgery if they’re behind schedule…I mean it will have been well over 8 hours since I last ate and I am diabetic but yeah, let’s push things back a few more hours! So with that positivity, all should go well right?! 🙂
I am extremely hopeful that after tomorrow I will be feeling a lot better and my blogs will become fewer about the struggles with this disease, but more about the life I am able to live when things are going well for me.
Thanks again for all of your prayers and please pray for all of my family that will be driving. This storm caused a set back with some of them getting to town early but I am so thankful and overwhelmed by all of the offers and support we have received.