I guess the doctor was right…

Dr. Thomas emailed me back in regard to all of the questions I had for my upcoming procedure. He stated I had a lot of good questions but he didn’t want to answer them via email. We scheduled to meet with him this week and then we can review things face to face. He also stated that he would be able to show us my scans and explain exactly what he wants to do.

I’m not sure if having more details will make doing this procedure easier on me but at least Tim will feel better knowing what’s going on. I attached an article on bronchoscopy which sounds bad enough so it’s probably better if I don’t know all the risks involved with actually stenting or trying to open the airways!

http://www.healthline.com/health/bronchoscopy#Recovery6

It was an extremely difficult weekend for me. My cough came back very sudden…and hard! I am coughing up a lot of junk and getting sick with just about every coughing attack. Needless to say, I am using my inhaler and nebulizer again.

The only good thing about this horrible weekend is I am now more confident that I really do need something done. It’s weird because I always fight, fight and fight for answers with this disease…someone to acknowledge I really do have something very wrong with me! And once I get the verification from the doctor as to why I feel like death, or the test that finally show progression to justify my severe symptoms, I don’t believe them!!

I turn around and question myself….bombarding myself with self doubt! Is it really that bad? Enough to do such a risky procedure? Nah, it’s just a cough and who knows how much of these symptoms could be from the new blockage around my heart anyway so how much will this really improve things? I live in pain every day, and if I do this procedure it only helps a part of me…if it is successful! I still have the female junk and my heart to deal with….not to mention my SVC. What if this procedure only causes more problems? I just need to suck it up.

This is our life and while it really stinks sometimes and is beyond difficult at times…we adapt…we manage!

But this weekend also reminded me of just how bad I have been and how much worse it can become. My viscous cycle all weekend included me coughing, getting sick then coughing again…only to get sick again. With one streak, I coughed consistently for 5 straight hours and that was after my inhaler, nebulizer, cough drops and cough syrup!

The head pain was unbearable too as was the tightness in my chest! I was crying in pain, I was crying in defeat and I was crying in frustration.

What concerned me the most was the fact that this is how I felt before I went to Dr. Hornick when we discovered that more of my lung had collapsed and I had newly developed narrow airways. So of course fear struck this weekend as to if my lung had collapsed even more? Is my lung getting worse??

This was an extremely unbearable attack and I was surrendering! And while I prayed for God to get me through it and to help me remember that this is an opportunity for me to grow and be more dedicated and faithful towards Him…I joked that He could still change my circumstances…even just a little. 🙂 And then I saw this pop up on my timeline…

The nebulizer every four hours as well as the inhaler every four hours, basically I am alternating the two so I am doing something every couple of hours, does seem to be helping so I guess this weekend was another reminder of why I need to be consistent with the breathing treatments…even when I feel I am getting better. I feel halfway alive tonight although my cough is sneaking back up the closer it gets to bedtime. Go figure!

The doctor had told me I would need to use the nebulizer every four hours as well as my inhaler. But, I didn’t want to believe that. I didn’t want to admit that I need breathing treatments in order to maintain my quality of life.

The hopes are that opening my airways will take away my cough, help me breathe a little easier and then I won’t need the inhaler or nebulizer.

So as you pray for my health, please say a prayer for Tim as well. We supposedly have a blizzard coming tonight which makes his job even more difficult and demanding, especially given that he is a one man show. And we just had a blizzard last week!

And unfortunately this weekend he was stuck at home helping me out and now we will have my appointment in Iowa City along with our regular weekly routine including dance, a solo orchestra performance, small group and church! All of which are very important and a must for attending! Meaning Tim has yet to be home tonight and is missing the complete super bowl because he’s playing catch up and preparing for a blizzard.