So the last couple of things I have posted either in my blog or on Facebook…Tim has gotten quite cranky over it with me.
First off with the exciting news of no chemo…in the moment he was frustrated because I could barely walk from the excruciating back and leg pain. He was upset and wondering how I could be so excited.
My next post on Facebook was about getting the cortisone epidural injection. I felt relief after I walked out of the doctor’s office so I shared this good news too. And again, Tim got snippy repeating how the doctor had even said I might get worse once the medication wears off…before the pain really can get better.
And just like Tim “reminding” me that the chemo would not “fix” my symptoms, he went in to his little rant about how nothing was good news for me and the instant relief would not last long.
This led to me getting angry…and I expressed that anger towards him. The thing is, everything Tim is saying, I already know! BUT, in the moment…I am going to rejoice in that tiny bit of good news while I can that my mass shrunk…and my leg/back had some relief!
Unfortunately the doctor was right about my injection and by the end of the night, I was pretty much in intense pain again. While it was not as bad, it was still bad, preventing me from walking or sitting much…but I also couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep so I was up the majority of the night.
Tuesday night, Tim was doing chores so I decided I would take the kids to vacation bible school. After being in the car for five minutes it was quite obvious that I was not ready for driving yet.
The kids love church though and I was not going to be the one preventing them from going so after I pushed through the pain, I came home and went to bed.
And while my dreadful eye appointment is coming up next week, I was also busted for not scheduling my six month follow up with my heart doctor last month so the nurse is trying to work me in due to the heart issues that had arisen at my last appointment.
So yes, I am perfectly aware that I am not going to be cured and have resulted to last resorts for treatment. I also understand that I will always have doctor appointments and medical needs that have to be addressed, but I will also take anything I can get! Not doing the chemo, no matter how small the side effects might be…is a good thing!! And while I am stuck with the lousy symptoms I have, my mass is shrinking!!! And it is shrinking without me having to go through anymore procedures or putting anything else in to my body that we aren’t sure how my body will react to it.
On the other hand, of course I can see where Tim is coming from. We have been bickering quite a bit because he’s solo on taking care of his work and all of the kids and house stuff. And me, well I’m living every day in pain that I can barely walk, let alone stand long enough to get anything accomplished.
And my frustration unfortunately I took out on Tim. I said things I didn’t even know I was capable of saying. But I also went in to the self pity mode of telling him that I should just go disappear and live by myself because I can’t take care of him or the kids like they deserve. Plus, the injection is a steroid so I’m battling 300 to 400 sugar readings. What’s the point of me doing anything because one “fix” just leads to a whole set of different problems!
Pretty harsh stuff I know. But fm pain is flaring up, my sugars are so out of whack and then the back pain has been going on officially four weeks now with minimal relief so I was starting to get worn down…and tired…because the pain keeps me up at night!!
Amazingly, Tim’s response to my little rant overwhelmed me and I cry everytime I think about it.
He did not fight back with his words, which I defintely was expecting, especially when he had been so negative about my “good” news lately, but instead, he apologized for obviously not being the husband he needs to be, because if he was, I would never doubt for one second that I wasn’t just a burden or good enough for him and our family!😍
That was all it took for me to suck it up, apologize to him and accept the fact that some days, I simply can’t do things. Some days, my bad days, I need to rest and not worry about dishes in the sink or crumbs on the floor…but I should maybe be a little concerned about kids using sharpies on wood doors right Julie?! 😬😬
It’s these moments that I love seeing how God truly is working in both of us… I know Tim has to be overwhelmed with work, kids, all the daily responsibility on top of seeing me struggling without being able to make me better! But the fact that he forgives my harsh words and loves me and still does anything to help me, is all I need for everything to be better.
So, even though this is the longest and most consecutive amount of “bad” days I’ve had in awhile, my little hour pity party didn’t last long because God used Tim and his sweet response to remind me that God is still with me…with us!! I know there’s still time for the injection to kick in but I am also hopeful for those better and less painful days to come.
And in the meantime, I am going to focus on physical therapy and the fact that I am slowly getting relief a little more each day…and that is a blessing well enough to be thankful for!