Graduation day came with so many crazy emotions because…
18 years ago this beautiful little girl came into my life and turned my world completely upside down. Her sassy attitude started immediately with such high demands!
I had to run the vacuum in her bedroom to get her to sleep or take her for late night car rides to calm her down…even buckling her into her car seat and setting her on top of the dryer while it was running to keep her from crying!
At the age of two, Skye was so full of energy and just beginning to discover life…
But that was when I was diagnosed with my illness and given no more than 10 years to live. I remember like it was yesterday when I had my major surgery, a thoracotomy, that caused such tremendous pain. I remember sitting on the couch crying with every breath because the pain was too much to bear…just from breathing….yet crying even harder because my little girl came running to jump in my lap on so many occasions and my mom had to stop her every time.
As she got older…Skyler had a few health scares of her own her. She developed seizures and for some reason tremendous guilt overwhelmed me. Was this somehow my fault? Had I already failed this precious little girl as a mother?
Thankfully Skyler outgrew the seizures by the age of 7, so one day while partaking in our daily routine of her riding bike while I ran along next to her, crazy symptoms attacked me with a vengeance, preventing me from going any further. The disappointment on Skye’s face as we turned around to head back home will always be in the back of my mind. I will also never forget the fear inside me wondering if I WOULD make it back home.
From that day on, our lives would be consumed with tests and doctor appointments only to be told over and over and over again that I was dying and my priority needed to be that Skyler would be taken care of after I was gone. Doctors could not help me nor provide any glimpse of hope. I was going to be another statistic to this disease.
And at the graduation ceremony while I watched my little girl walk across that stage to get her diploma, my heart was so full of pride! She did it!!! She graduated from high school! One part of her story coming to an end and now on to new beginnings!
I was there to see it!!
And to freak her out by sneaking some kisses..
Of course my mind did kind of wander off as I stared at her sitting in her chair waiting for her name to be called. This could all be happening without me. This is what doctor after doctor told me I would not be around for!
And then I thought about all the times I wasted sleepless nights and tears over the what ifs of missing this, yet God knew all along that I would be here to celebrate with her!! And while I would love to say, “In your face doctors, I proved you wrong” I couldn’t help but feel a little guilt come over me as I thought, “is this what God is saying to me?” Seriously though, all this time I wasn’t sure I would be here for this day and I fought hard to be here, to see my little girl grow up…yet it wasn’t me who had the final say…it wasn’t even my fight that got me this far. This is all His will. God knows how many days we will be on this earth so he could easily be saying “in your face Becky, in your face doctors.” How sad that made me feel when I realized that I really hadn’t had complete trust in His plans for me after all.
But then my thoughts went back to my gorgeous daughter walking across that stage!
Skyler has seen more sickness and death and tragedy and sadness and heartbreak in her life…way too much and way more than any 18 year old should have to experience. But…like our Pastor Jim once said, while it’s difficult and we don’t want to experience or see any of our loved ones hurting or experiencing pain, sometimes it’s better to see that life isn’t so easy at an earlier age…that life on this earth is filled with hardship and sadness and disappointment…unfortunately that’s just the way this world is. BUT, our hope is in Jesus because an everlasting life with Him in heaven is filled with joy, no tears and no pain…
I am so sorry for things I did that affected Skyler…and I am sorry if there was ever a time in her life when she didn’t feel like I was present because of my own health. I am sorry that all she has ever known is a sick mom. But, I am not sorry for the fact that such hard circumstances have made her a stronger and more caring young woman. Skyler is amazingly strong…but I pray that she doesn’t let that strength and independence prevent her from allowing anyone in to her heart like I so often have! As many times as she may have cried, she also rose up above those sucky situations and showed the world that she couldn’t be broken so easily. As much as she has shed tears…she has shown off that gorgeous smile of hers…so much more!!! Nothing will break her as long as she remembers who she belongs to…so straighten that crown😘
I have so much love for her and will do whatever is necessary to make sure she never loses hope because of this tough old world…to make sure none of our kids do!! I am so unbelievably proud of the young lady she has become!
Ohhhhh trust me when I say I do not want to let her go but at the same time I am excited to see the plans God has in store for her and I am excited to see what the next chapter holds!
While we have had our share of arguments…mostly because she didn’t agree with my rules 😜…I will always love her unconditionally! I will love her just as much on the hard days as I do on the easy days! Nothing she does will EVER make me love her less!
No matter what my aprilskye…my hunnybunny😜…my sunshine…my Skyler Marie…you are loved!! Life is going to throw so many tough crappy obstacles at you but have faith and fight through the tough days…because those tough days often lead to so many more beautiful days! I hope you have seen this through me!
Only God knows what is coming your way so trust Him, thank Him, turn to Him for all your needs, believe in Him, love others like He loves you and always find something to smile about Skyler…no matter what!💕💕
Love you always and forever💕💕💕