I hit another rough patch and I think my illness was getting to Tim this week as well. The stabbing chest pressure shooting through to my back, the pounding headaches, the overall body weakness, not to mention the extreme fatigue I just can’t seem to shake. Probably because I can only sleep no more than 2 hours at a time before the discomfort of laying down kicks in! I am getting the chills with sudden attacks of sickness but it doesn’t seem to be a flu bug as it tends to just come and go unexpectedly. My blood sugars are a complete disaster because of all the strain on my body…What is happening to me?
It’s a battle every day to get my work hours in and I am extremely grateful to be able to work from home at my own pace. However, by the time my hours are in for the day, I am exhausted and I am fighting to stay awake until the kids go to bed.
I am fixing dinner then skipping meals to sleep while everyone eats, nothing tastes good and just makes me sick. I help clean up then back to the couch I go while the kids play with dad. Once bedtime comes I put Asher down then go to bed again, leaving Tim to get Leah and Nathan settled in…these unfortunately were my good days this week.
The last couple of days I have been down right useless. Tim is working then coming home to take care of the kids while I work. Once work is done for the day, I find myself on the couch or even better, up in bed. Tim is even cooking, cleaning house and doing bedtime routines…all while I just lay in bed…and if I can’t sleep, which is usually the case, I think…and cry.
I finally broke…at Tim’s expense. He simply made the comment that I should get out of the house, get some fresh air and that will help me. Did he really just say that out loud to me?! Yes, he did, he said it twice! The last week of frustration, insecurities and anger over my disease that I had been consumed with, came spitting out at him.
Sarcastically I replied “all these years I’ve wasted going from doctor to doctor, getting stabbed, poked, prodded and yet the cure is so simple…fresh air! I just need to buck up and do something! Boy am I stupid!” My anger then turned to defeat and the tears began to flow.
I continued to remind Tim that over 6 months ago, I went to the doctor because I felt awful, deathly tired, pounding headaches, palpitations, my messed up head because I don’t remember anything…the only thing out of that appointment…it led to more appointments and no answers! “What makes you think I feel better? Oh and by the way…my flipping leg still hurts!”
Without skipping a beat, Tim simply suggested I go get a taco!!! And the “fresh air” was really the grocery store. Haha! Now I can laugh about it but at the time I wanted to scream at him “what is wrong with you? You don’t have a clue!” But, Tim knows me better than anyone. He knows it takes a lot for me to break so when I do break, that scares him because he knows I must be feeling pretty awful. The worst thing in the world for a spouse is seeing their “other” half going through something so difficult and feeling helpless. Tim can’t “fix” me and that kills him inside.
These are the blogs I find hardest to share. How do I expose my bad days then turn around and expect others to believe that I am fine the next day when they ask how I am feeling? Do I not share these and stick to a journal just for myself?
But then I think no, I should share this. This is my disease, this is anyone living with a chronic illness! We have bad days, bad nights and bad moments, but we also have a lot of amazing moments! I can vent out my frustrations in a blog, which surprisingly really helps me…then I can move on to fight another day!
And after some rough days, today was an awesome day, a day that makes the bad days worth it! We all spent the day as a family doing work around the farm, catch up for Tim since he has been taking care of so many things around here! The weather was beautiful, the kids did awesome with helping out…and no complaining, even though the day turned out a lot longer than planned!
And while I was extremely exhausted, Tim and I were still able to go out to dinner for date night! Something we haven’t done for awhile so it was well past due! Away from the craziness of life, just us as a couple…no talk of cows and no talk of sickness.
Today was truly a day that I am extremely grateful for…a day much needed to remind me what my fight is all about.