The last several days, since Saturday to be exact, I have been absolutely miserable with my back. The severe pain has caused me to crawl to my destinations in the house so needless to say I have limited what I want to do.
Kids of course have taken advantage of my condition, doing things that have made me laugh and doing things that have made me cry out in frustration. But for the most part, Tim has been taking them to “help” out at the farm or the kids and I play a lot of cards and practice our reading….anything at floor level.😜
The excruciating pain has also prevented me from driving because I literally cannot sit for for more than a couple of minutes, therefore, forcing Tim to have to stop doing what he’s doing in the middle of the day in order to get me to physical therapy.
And today was another appointment he had to drive me to but thankfully I will be getting a cortisone injection soon which should improve my back pain.
But here is where the twist comes. In regard to my masses and chemo…I have bewildered the doctors yet once again. Today my pulmonologist called to go over my most recent scans and he confirmed what my-chart had said….a word I have never seen on my results in the 14 long years I’ve been dealing with this nasty disease…the word IMPROVED!!
When I saw the results last week I waited patiently to talk to the doctor! I was quite confused and made up every excuse as to why the word “improved” would be on my test results but today after talking with him he did confirm that the main problematic mass in my right upper and middle lung has indeed SHRUNK!!! He went on to explain how the results had shocked him as well as he had never seen this. He did say this doesn’t mean it can’t grow again and something about how the masses might expand and shrink in the process and we just caught it at the right time, but for now we will take this as an encouraging result!! No chemo and I will follow up with him in six months!! Amen!!!
I hung up the phone and Asher was right beside me so I grabbed him, held him for dear life…and cried! He surprisingly didn’t look at me like I was off my rocker but simply replied “me love you mommy” which yes, made me cry even that much harder😍 It has been such a difficult few weeks so the positive news overwhelmed me!
For Tim, however, his response wasn’t quite like mine. First of all, he has been completely against me trying this chemo from the get go. He has seen the affects that it has had on his brother and sister, and while this chemo is nothing like theirs, it is still something going in to my body that we don’t know how my body would respond to it.
So I completely get his reaction but I will admit it frustrated me. Tim went on to ask how this was good news when my symptoms will not improve. He then looked at me as I was trying to walk and get in to his truck with the least amount of pain possible and throws his arm up in the air saying “look at you, you can’t even walk, so yeah wahoo, let’s celebrate”.
Tim is the type of person who says it how it is and that is one thing that I love…and dislike about him. Haha! I am fully aware of the health issues I have and I am fully aware that while the mass has shrunk, my symptoms will not disappear. I know I have a lot to come at me in the next couple of months but this is something positive. My test results were not highlighted to indicate another problem!! I told Tim in moments like this though, he doesn’t need to tell me what I already know.
I also know Tim is frustrated and hates seeing me in so much pain which most likely brought out the negativity in his response. He is happy I don’t need the chemo and did apologize as he too has felt consumed with all of the difficult times we have been facing.
But, today I am focusing on the fact that the only option left for me is chemo…something experimental that may or may not help me. I have been praying for guidance as to whether or not I would really go through that last resort because the chemo could open a whole new world of problems for me, and well, today God answered my prayers! I don’t have to decide anymore if chemo is the right route to take, because it’s no longer an option!
And once I get my back in shape and can move again, watch out fitbit friends because this one lunger with a crazy heart is going to step it up and try to make those masses disappear! 😜