Tuesday morning my mom called the neurosurgeon to see if they could give us an estimate as to how long it would take to schedule an appointment with the doctor, even in somewhat of an emergency situation. The receptionist stated it could be a week before he even was able to review my scans due to the number of referrals they get. However, the receptionist did encourage us to go to the emergency room after we explained some of the symptoms I was having. 

The fact that I had already went to the emergency room once, with the same symptoms, and got nowhere, I still hesitated if I should go or not. But I was so miserable and while I had even resorted to trying a walker that gave me no relief, I decided that it was probably time to go again. While the walker didn’t help me, Asher sure did enjoy the new “toy!”😜  Once Tim got home and after some talking we both agreed that I would just go to the emergency room and at least this way we would know if waiting another week was a good option for us. Of course I figured I would go, they would give me more drugs and then I would be sent home to wait until I could schedule with the neurosurgeon. 

In the meantime a friend of mine from church had texted me out of the blue saying that she was praying for me. So I filled her in on how I was actually on my way to the hospital and she replied that her husband was working in the ER. That did give me some instant comfort knowing that I would be walking into the emergency room with someone who knew me and a little bit of my history.

Once to the hospital, I got checked in and the nurses did some testing and then took the copy of my MRI I had brought in to show the doctor.

Once the nurse came back she reported that they were going to be admitting me to the hospital and yes most likely I was going to be having an emergency surgery for my back. I was relieved and scared at the same time.

While we were waiting to get all of the arrangements made, our friend who works at the hospital came over to visit and said a prayer with us and again that just filled me with such comfort. He then told us that we were very fortunate because actually it was Dr. Buchanan that was the doctor on call and if it wouldn’t have been him they would’ve had to send me to Iowa City. 

And this is where my tears started up because in that moment it took me back to when Dr. Youness was the only doctor that could help me and had just “happened” to be in the hospital on his day off the same day I was there.

So getting me to the ER that night and Dr. Buchanan being on call made it very clear to me how God was working and lining everything up to take care of me. A lot of people told me that it was luck or coincidence but for those of you who know me, know that I don’t believe in luck, it was all God’s work and all in His timing!!

So Tuesday night I got admitted to the hospital planning to do surgery at 5pm the following evening.   

My parents and sister showed up to keep me company when Tim and Skyler had to leave for chore duty…and yes Michelle, I remember that you were there before and after my surgery! BUT, I don’t remember what I did or said to make you laugh so you can share details the next time we’re together…possibly in private?! ha ha!

The nurse, however, the next morning came in and said that Dr. Buchanan had been reviewing my scans again and decided to bump my surgery up to 10 o’clock that morning instead of 5pm that night!

From the bits and pieces that I remember, this was one of the worst cases the doctor had ever seen and in fact I didn’t know how bad I was until I saw my husband’s post the next day…
Needless to say…my pain was validated! So while my throat and voice are scratchy from the breathing tube, my nose is dry from the oxygen tube that I had to wear for quite some time and I am sore from the surgery…I can walk…and stand up straight!! I actually feel amazing considering how I was before!! This pain can’t even compare to the pain I’ve been enduring over the last six weeks! 
BUT, I also know I do have a challenging recovery ahead of me as I can’t drive for a few weeks and I can’t bend, lift or twist for at least six weeks! How do I avoid that with my little ones? 

I also have a nausea patch behind my ear and a very soft brace wrapped around my entire mid section, more or less as a reminder of my limitations. And trust me I am going to make sure and follow these rules as closely as I can because there is a chance of the disc herniating again and I do not want to ever experiment that excruciating pain again!!

All of you people who continue to pray, help with the kids and provide meals or send simple texts to check on me…God’s love for me is pouring out through all of you and that comfort is absolutely amazing!! And the flowers are nice too😍😉  So now I do need to ask for yet another prayer request. My mom had been helping out with the kids and was at the hospital every night with me while I was there. She is a strong amazing woman who would be there for me and has been there for me in a heartbeat…both my mom and dad have been!

But now it’s time to lift my mom up in prayer as she goes to the hospital tomorrow. She has a lot of health issues too and had a doctor appointment today. She has been experiencing some new symptoms recently and may possibly need more stents in her heart! Prayers are appreciated that the doctors can figure out what’s going on so they can do something to help relieve her symptoms and get her back to feeling better!

Love you mom…God’s got this😍  

 

This morning I had my MRI and while it was extremely challenging being on a flat hard table for 41 minutes in the condition my back/leg are in…I made it through.

I have never experienced this amount…or this type of excruciating pain…and I’ve dealt with tremendous amounts of pain over my lifetime. I am not able to take more than maybe 10 steps, yet now crawling is even unbearable. It is simply indescribable. I was hopeful that a radiologist would be at the hospital today to read my scans, however, I have yet to get a phone call so maybe tomorrow!   Until then, I have been reading books to distract myself and to make time go by. I have continued to bed hop from Leah’s room, to Nathan’s room and to the quiet room but regardless, I can’t get comfortable anywhere I go and with such limited mobility now, I have resorted back to my little “nest” on the floor in our bedroom…closest to the bathroom too!!

Once settled back in my spot, I had to wipe the uncontrolled tears that now come on demand at any slight movement I make. Finally on my back my eyes reverted up to the ceiling…and I saw this…  

So much for wiping my tears!! I called Tim barely able to talk and he explained first that it was permanent marker! Haha!

He went on to explain his reasoning for the writing which was so much more than I ever imagined. On the way to chores tonight he heard this…

I am now going to go listen to this song, my new favorite by the way, and stare at those words on the ceiling until I fall asleep. Our God is so good and how blessed and extremely thankful I am that God chose Tim to be walking this journey with me! 

Tonight God gave me a glimpse of what amazing and beautiful things He can do through our pain…

Yet another good report in an area of my health I didn’t expect…

I went back for a follow up on my eyes and due to my back getting worse by the minute, Skyler drove me…   While I “rested” in the back! After the scan of my eyes, I waited patiently to see the doctor. I ran the next week’s schedule through my head wondering what day would work best for the surgery as the last eye exam I had a few months back had indicated that is what this follow up was in regard to. But, the doctor came in, looked at my eyes, reviewed the scans…and said no surgery, see you in five months!! I had been so set and dreading this surgery that I questioned him if he was sure haha! 

He went on to say that there was actually improvement with minimal hemorrhaging this time and while he didn’t feel comfortable letting me go a whole year until my next eye exam, he said within five months he would like to see me again. He explained that I’ve had plenty of laser (five surgeries but who’s counting😜) and the condition I have can be of a “delay” so to speak…he basically said he would not be surprised if there was more hemorrhaging at my follow up in December. But for now, I am good!!

Either way, I was ecstatic! No eye surgery this time! And since my back pain has limited me to driving straight to doctor appointments and straight back home, sadly Culvers was too far out of the way but hey Jimmy Johns was not a bad substitute to celebrate my good news! Oh, and we had a “picnic” on the floor due to the fact that I have yet to be able to sit at a table…but hey, a girl’s gotta eat!😜  The last couple of appointments have been so filled with unexpected great news between my eyes improving and my mass shrinking! So now it’s time to get my back fixed!! 

I have felt the pain and numbness getting worse by the day and I find it extremely challenging to do anything, let alone walk. Needless to say I was extremely thankful that my parents braced themselves…and came to take our two little ones for a few days to give me a break!!😜 Asher and Leah sure were excited to go stay with grandpa Steve and grandma Vicky!  While I missed them the minute they walked out the door, I know the kids will have a great time and I can get some much needed rest! Good luck mom and dad!!😜😍

My back has definitely been a barrier of living and functioning as a mother and a wife. And that alone can be discouraging. But God knows what I need and He has been using other people and music and scripture and books to assure me how faithful He is!  I have so many great family and friends sending me cards in the mail to let me know they are praying for me, so many of you checking up on me throughout the day and making sure there isn’t anything I need. I appreciate each and every one of you for reaching out to me and offering your assistance with anything, for making me laugh, crying with me, encouraging me!! 

But now I have to single out a couple of my sisters in Christ…Angie and Alyssa. These two women have truly been an amazing blessing to me more than they will ever know. God brought these girls in to my life at different times throughout my ongoing storm and what an encouragement they have been. Not just because they have brought over meals or offered to do anything and everything to help ease my burdens but they have directed me to verses in the bible filled with hope!

They consistently ask how they can pray for me, what they can pray for…whether it’s for my brother in law, my sister in law, my family or my health…they cover all of the bases in prayer!! But, they also let me pray for them and share their lives with me as well!!

I have truly been inspired by each of them and they are a true example of what a woman in Christ is to be. Both Angie and Alyssa have cried with me and laughed with me, they’ve understood my frustration as a sick mother…and as a sick wife. And every time, their response…is praying! And I am confident that God hears our prayers when we are together and that gives me so much comfort! I am beyond blessed for these special ladies and for all of you who have reached out to us during this extremely long and challenging season…I go in bright and early tomorrow morning for my MRI and I appreciate prayers that the results will give us an idea on how to relieve my symptoms without having to do surgery. But, no matter the outcome, I know God has His Hands in all of this and I am already okay!   Now, while my mom is probably fighting my kids to try and get them calmed down and ready for bed…I’m going to go force Tim to pop me some popcorn and watch a really good sobbing chick flick with me…and no honey…Tombstone is not a chick flick!😉😍😭

Grateful for all of you being in our lives!

 

Mom was a little concerned about me after one of my most recent blogs and said I probably shouldn’t blog in the “condition” I have been in lately…and she is probably right 😬 but figured I will give a quick update.

I am back to my little “nest” on the floor as the epidural injection for my back did not provide much relief to me afterall. In fact, I think my leg and back have slowly been getting worse. For a couple of days it didn’t seem so bad, but now I am not able to find any comfort from all of the different positions I am constantly trying. Consistent pain regardless of what I am doing…which is absolutely nothing…and that really stinks!

I have been going to physical therapy but she too was still concerned with how poorly I was walking as well as some other symptoms I discussed with her. My therapist encouraged me to contact my doctor, which I already had, and she faxed him a letter with her observations in regard to how miserable I look…and how miserable I feel!

While MRIs usually take awhile to get pre authorized through insurance and then set up, I am extremely thankful God heard my prayers and I was able to get in fast…this Sunday for the MRI. No messing around with that awful waiting game of scheduling! Once we have results, we will either discuss another injection or most likely a referral to the neurosurgeon will be made. Not happy about that but also 5 weeks of being able to literally do nothing…does not make me happy either. 

I also have my eye appointment tomorrow in which I will find out when my eye surgery is….

Having so many illnesses is ridiculous. Autoimmune diseases stink and my own body won’t give it up…it just continues to attack me when and where I least expect it. 😤 All of my nasty health issues feed off of each other only to cause more problems.

So that is that. I definitely have a lot of “junk” that can consume me. This has been a very tough…and never ending season where it very well has tempted me to fall into those dark places. But I have my devotions and I love being able to listen to our church sermons online when I can’t make it to church. I am trying very hard to stay focused on the positive and trying to see how God might be using me through all of this! I trust that there is more to my story than just this pain… Plus, I am still able to recognize the amazing blessings in my daily life! For instance, today Leah came upstairs, sat next to me and just held my hand! Skyler has been running errands without any complaining and the boys are helping out with chores. And what really cracked me up is…when I walk I am almost completely hunched over and well tonight, Skye comes walking in completely arched back saying “look, I’m opposite of you!”😂😂😂You probably had to be there to appreciate the humor in that!😜 Leave it to Skye to make me laugh though!😍 

Not to mention all of you awesome people who continue to check in and pray for me! I am focusing on all of these “little” things, which are truly big things, because they definitely remind me of how good God is and how much beauty there really is in my brokenness! 

I also know I will never fully be able to understand what God is doing with some of these things but I do know He is at work so that’s when my faith comes in…my hope for this pain to be behind me…better days ahead of me…and someday all of this pain and all of these struggles will be a distant memory!! 

 

Four weeks and three days since I’ve been down with my back…but hey who’s counting?!😜 While I haven’t been able to participate in too many activities, the kids have still been able to enjoy the summer and Fourth of July holiday weekend!

The kids wrapped their week up at vacation bible school with our church and what an awesome time they had!! One of the highlights was that if the kids learned their bible verse then they got to throw a pie in one of our pastor’s face…Leah had her verse memorized the first night! ☺️

What impressed me most, however, was the fact that while Leah counted down the days until she got to throw a pie, she actually learned the whole story of Joseph! One night as she was telling me her verse to ensure she knew it…for the third time, I finally asked what other things they had been talking about. Leah immediately began telling me about Joseph and how Joseph’s brothers didn’t like him so they threw him in a pit and sold him then their dad thought he was dead. I sat quietly as she continued through with the whole story and also shared some of the activities they had been working on that went along with their story.

The fact that she was having soooo much fun, yet learning a story out of the bible, made me extremely grateful for the group leaders and pastors and everyone that she comes in to contact with at church. And Asher too came home every night talking a mile a minute about what they did, and while he is hard to understand at times, his excitement and smile said it all!😍

Needless to say, vbs was a smash…no pun intended…well maybe a little!🙃 Apparently the pastor got 50 pies thrown in his face and Leah had told me “some girl” even threw two pies at him…which I later found out was the pastor’s wife! Haha! What a fun and creative way for kids to learn part of the most important book written!!

We also got invited to a bonfire as some of Tim’s family were back home visiting from out of state. Once we arrived all four kids were off and running! It’s nice when they have kids, other than their siblings, to play with. It also gives me a break from chasing after them!😜There was a serious game of kickball going on so I just watched from the sidelines and visited with the cooler people who weren’t playing!😎😏

It was a fun night of catching up with everybody and just laying low while the kids got to have a lot of fun hanging out with their cousins.

This weekend I also attempted to try and accomplish something…anything…with housework. I have been frustrated with how much “stuff” Leah and Asher manage to get in to so I figured nothing easier than cleaning out one of the toy boxes because I can sort and organize all of that at ground level while laying down. But when I actually dumped the toys out and saw this…  I realized this was the wrong project to do when I am not in motion!! Definitely a lot of toys but also a lot of clothes and garbage!! Needless to say I don’t like to quit until a job is done…and this really got me moving!  So with ibuprofen, a lot of organizing and two garbage bags full later…mission accomplished!😉 

 Needless to say that was all I got done over the weekend but it was more than I have done this past month. 

Overall it’s been a nice long weekend filled with family, fun, bonfires and good food…and we still have our actual Fourth of July celebration to go!  

   

I wonder if he realizes that he lost his hotdog!😂😂😜    

Enjoy your Fourth of July everyone!

So the last couple of things I have posted either in my blog or on Facebook…Tim has gotten quite cranky over it with me.

First off with the exciting news of no chemo…in the moment he was frustrated because I could barely walk from the excruciating back and leg pain. He was upset and wondering how I could be so excited.

My next post on Facebook was about getting the cortisone epidural injection. I felt relief after I walked out of the doctor’s office so I shared this good news too. And again, Tim got snippy repeating how the doctor had even said I might get worse once the medication wears off…before the pain really can get better.

And just like Tim “reminding” me that the chemo would not “fix” my symptoms, he went in to his little rant about how nothing was good news for me and the instant relief would not last long.

This led to me getting angry…and I expressed that anger towards him. The thing is, everything Tim is saying, I already know! BUT, in the moment…I am going to rejoice in that tiny bit of good news while I can that my mass shrunk…and my leg/back had some relief!

Unfortunately the doctor was right about my injection and by the end of the night, I was pretty much in intense pain again. While it was not as bad, it was still bad, preventing me from walking or sitting much…but I also couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep so I was up the majority of the night.

Tuesday night, Tim was doing chores so I decided I would take the kids to vacation bible school. After being in the car for five minutes it was quite obvious that I was not ready for driving yet.

The kids love church though and I was not going to be the one preventing them from going so after I pushed through the pain, I came home and went to bed.

And while my dreadful eye appointment is coming up next week, I was also busted for not scheduling my six month follow up with my heart doctor last month so the nurse is trying to work me in due to the heart issues that had arisen at my last appointment.

So yes, I am perfectly aware that I am not going to be cured and have resulted to last resorts for treatment. I also understand that I will always have doctor appointments and medical needs that have to be addressed, but I will also take anything I can get! Not doing the chemo, no matter how small the side effects might be…is a good thing!! And while I am stuck with the lousy symptoms I have, my mass is shrinking!!! And it is shrinking without me having to go through anymore procedures or putting anything else in to my body that we aren’t sure how my body will react to it.

On the other hand, of course I can see where Tim is coming from. We have been bickering quite a bit because he’s solo on taking care of his work and all of the kids and house stuff. And me, well I’m living every day in pain that I can barely walk, let alone stand long enough to get anything accomplished. 

And my frustration unfortunately I took out on Tim. I said things I didn’t even know I was capable of saying. But I also went in to the self pity mode of telling him that I should just go disappear and live by myself because I can’t take care of him or the kids like they deserve. Plus, the injection is a steroid so I’m battling 300 to 400 sugar readings. What’s the point of me doing anything because one “fix” just leads to a whole set of different problems!

Pretty harsh stuff I know. But fm pain is flaring up, my sugars are so out of whack and then the back pain has been going on officially four weeks now with minimal relief so I was starting to get worn down…and tired…because the pain keeps me up at night!! 

Amazingly, Tim’s response to my little rant overwhelmed me and I cry everytime I think about it. 

He did not fight back with his words, which I defintely was expecting, especially when he had been so negative about my “good” news lately, but instead, he apologized for obviously not being the husband he needs to be, because if he was, I would never doubt for one second that I wasn’t just a burden or good enough for him and our family!😍

What?!😭😭😭

That was all it took for me to suck it up, apologize to him and accept the fact that some days, I simply can’t do things. Some days, my bad days, I need to rest and not worry about dishes in the sink or crumbs on the floor…but I should maybe be a little concerned about kids using sharpies on wood doors right Julie?! 😬😬

It’s these moments that I love seeing how God truly is working in both of us…  I know Tim has to be overwhelmed with work, kids, all the daily responsibility on top of seeing me struggling without being able to make me better! But the fact that he forgives my harsh words and loves me and still does anything to help me, is all I need for everything to be better.

So, even though this is the longest and most consecutive amount of “bad” days I’ve had in awhile, my little hour pity party didn’t last long because God used Tim and his sweet response to remind me that God is still with me…with us!! I know there’s still time for the injection to kick in but I am also hopeful for those better and less painful days to come.

And in the meantime, I am going to focus on physical therapy and the fact that I am slowly getting relief a little more each day…and that is a blessing well enough to be thankful for!   

I tend to get “approval” so to speak when I put pictures of other people in my blog or when I talk about them. But my cousin, who came with her family to visit us this weekend, well, before I could ask anything, she said she drove six hours to see me so I had better have a blog about her!😜

That alone should give you an idea of what my cousin Julie is like! Which by the way…this is a picture she said does not need to end up on FB…careful what you wish for cousin😍😜  My sister Michelle, Julie and I had been planning this for quite some time. Our farm that has cows and pigs and ponies…and now cats, was to be a part of Julie’s vacation when they all came back home to Des Moines to visit their families. And the fact that it was always me, Michelle and Julie together growing up, I knew this was going to be an amazing time! Finally our chance after 8 months, for the 3 of us to be together again! And of course having our spouses and kids together was going to be a lot of fun too! 

With any plans that we make though, everyone knows that the plans are tentative depending on my health. I am extremely grateful that Michelle and Julie understand how my condition can flare up at any time, resulting in me being the one to back out and have to reschedule. 

We had all been planning and looking so forward to this for around 5 or 6 months and then just over 3 weeks ago, my back began giving me issues…and has only gotten worse. I was keeping in touch with the girls so they had been fully aware of how miserable I was and my sister had even seen my misery as I tried walking and sitting at our grandma’s funeral the previous week. 

Of course Julie and Michelle gave me every option to back out, assuring me that we could plan another weekend. But when the talk of rescheduling surfaced I will admit that I had cried and become extremely frustrated. I have been missing out on so much this summer and I don’t want these plans to slowly become no more. I’m so sick of my health causing me to lag behind.

But at the same time, I was absolutely miserable. Will it be any fun for them?  While I have made some improvements with being able to sit a little longer, my leg pain was so severe that I could barely walk from one room to the other. I constantly had to be changing positions.

So one day we were all messaging each other and I finally admitted that I was struggling with walking and sitting but at the same time it would be nice to make sure they still came because I knew the three of us together would be a time filled with laughter. But I wasn’t able to entertain the way I normally would by making a bunch of food and planning outside games for the kids etc., let alone I would probably need to be on the floor!

And just like that, instead of talking about rescheduling, it was Michelle and Julie taking over and making sure we had everything we would need to have a fun night. There was no more discussion about them not coming, but them breaking up the responsibility of who was bringing what and them saying if I had to be on my back so be it they could still visit. They were doing whatever they could to make this the least amount of work and stress on me!!

So now, even if I didn’t want them to come…that was no longer an option! And I loved that! Haha!

So, once again I cried!😜😍 It’s so hard making plans after they have been cancelled once before and I felt like if I didn’t go through with this weekend who knew when I would really see Julie and when the three of us would have a chance to be together again. And I am so glad it happened.

Everybody got here and did our quick catch up and visits and hung out a little bit. The kids instantly clicked with each other which I was of course happy to see. And once Skyler arrived it was time for a ranger ride…    …while the parents started the cooking! Everyone was beyond helpful and did most of the preparing and set up for me…  

 
The guys got the grills ready to go and apparently Tim’s back must be out too because well…not sure how much he helped with the cooking!😜   

While Jeff and Ryan cooked…Tim gave Skye a break from entertaining the kids…    And even though a lot of my time was spent stretched out on the floor in the living room, I did my best to mingle while everyone got things ready for dinner. Of course with the kitchen floor so hard, I maintained my little bit of comfort by sitting on the rug in the dining room. And yes, Julie and Michelle had to get a picture…I’m so glad they find comedy in my pain!😳🤕😍

 Regardless, the food turned out amazing, which Julie must’ve been in charge of desserts because our grandma and my favorite aunt Barb sent delicious cakes and bars!😜 Everyone even cleaned up my kitchen afterwards! 

And then the real visiting took place outside in the beautiful summer evening while the kids ran around playing with the ponies and chasing lightning bugs!  

Julie also brought glow rings which seemed to be a hit with all of the little ones! 
But of course one ended up in the tree and out of all the adults…it was my husband…the one who is deathly afraid of heights…that got out the ladder and pool stick to get them back down! And what would a trip to the farm be without doing chores?!   The next morning we had the kids do chores and Ryan went out for donuts…win win for us!😍   

It was a great night filled with good food, gut aching laughs and new memories!!

It’s so crazy to see the circle of life in our kids…it also shows how old we are getting!😬 Julie, Michelle and I have always been close. And while we have all moved and maybe not stayed in touch as often as we would have liked, we could always see each other and pick right back up from where we left off! And no matter what…we always laugh!! Michelle has lived in Colorado and Julie has lived in Kansas but I know these two would do anything for me! My sister and cousin…   They’ve been there to listen to me, cry with me and most important to make me laugh especially on days when I didn’t feel much like doing so! And this weekend it was so cool to see our kids playing together and reminding us of our own childhood days!!

I am not always able to travel or get out to see people, not just because of my health, but with Tim’s job too so I am very appreciative that these girls went out of their way to come see us! 

Tim and I are also not ones to ask for help and we often times try to tell people no, not because we don’t appreciate it but because everybody has their struggles and hardships and we truly do feel blessed to have it as good as we do! We are so grateful for the amazing family and friends that we have and look forward to paying all of the blessings we have received, forward!! 

Thank you Michelle and Jeff and Julie and Ryan for hanging out with us! It was a nice break from the pain and craziness of life…even if I was the butt of your jokes all night…no pun intended!😂😍😬 Love you all and can’t wait to do this again!!

 

Well it’s been another long week. Yesterday we had my grandma’s funeral which is always hard to say that final goodbye. It was a nice service, however, and it was great to see my entire family all together!  After the funeral we stopped by to say hi to my other grandma and ran into my brother and his family. My cousin, my sister and I have some inside jokes going on about who is grandma’s favorite…well I would say me and my brother by far😍   Unfortunately, I was also diagnosed with degenerative disc disease last year, yes, another stinking issue, which seems to have flared up a few weeks ago. I have not had much improvement with my back yet so I still spend the majority of my time on the floor with my heating pad! Tim refers to it as my “nest” with all of my blankets and meds…all of my necessities 😜

 
And on my good days I move downstairs to the couch😄

 
And go figure the kids started swimming lessons this week and due to the severity of my back and leg pain, I am not able to drive so Skyler has been taking us. Skyler and Tim have both been a tremendous help with taking turns getting me to my physical therapy and other doctor appointments, not to mention helping with the housework! 

Today it was Skyler’s turn so after she dropped me off at physical therapy she killed time by taking the kids to the park!   

   

While I am so thankful for all of the help from Skyler and Tim, it’s hard not to go to “that place” of feeling like such an inadequate wife and mother. I have really been fighting some of those nasty thoughts because when I have back problems, I am completely unreliable. I can stand a few minutes to do something quick but then I have to lay back down. I don’t even eat much because I can’t sit long enough to finish my meal. 

Needless to say, it had been a very trying last couple of weeks. 

I am hopeful for relief next week when I get the injection. I just need to hold on for a few more days!  

Other than that, things continue to be the same! Tim is super busy with the cow business, kids are busy with summer activities and as I watch all of the movement around me I continue to be reminded of how blessed I truly am. 

This back is just a little hiccup and in no time the pain will subside and I’ll be back to actually living life instead of just watching it pass me by. In the meantime I keep reading my devotions, praying and listening every day to my “go to” song because I know somehow, even though I don’t understand it right now, my struggles are truly blessings…  

The last several days, since Saturday to be exact, I have been absolutely miserable with my back. The severe pain has caused me to crawl to my destinations in the house so needless to say I have limited what I want to do. 

Kids of course have taken advantage of my condition, doing things that have made me laugh and doing things that have made me cry out in frustration. But for the most part, Tim has been taking them to “help” out at the farm or the kids and I play a lot of cards and practice our reading….anything at floor level.😜 

The excruciating pain has also prevented me from driving because I literally cannot sit for for more than a couple of minutes, therefore, forcing Tim to have to stop doing what he’s doing in the middle of the day in order to get me to physical therapy. 

And today was another appointment he had to drive me to but thankfully I will be getting a cortisone injection soon which should improve my back pain.

But here is where the twist comes. In regard to my masses and chemo…I have bewildered the doctors yet once again. Today my pulmonologist called to go over my most recent scans and he confirmed what my-chart had said….a word I have never seen on my results in the 14 long years I’ve been dealing with this nasty disease…the word IMPROVED!! 

When I saw the results last week I waited patiently to talk to the doctor! I was quite confused and made up every excuse as to why the word “improved” would be on my test results but today after talking with him he did confirm that the main problematic mass in my right upper and middle lung has indeed SHRUNK!!! He went on to explain how the results had shocked him as well as he had never seen this. He did say this doesn’t mean it can’t grow again and something about how the masses might expand and shrink in the process and we just caught it at the right time, but for now we will take this as an encouraging result!! No chemo and I will follow up with him in six months!! Amen!!!

I hung up the phone and Asher was right beside me so I grabbed him, held him for dear life…and cried! He surprisingly didn’t look at me like I was off my rocker but simply replied “me love you mommy” which yes, made me cry even that much harder😍 It has been such a difficult few weeks so the positive news overwhelmed me!

For Tim, however, his response wasn’t quite like mine. First of all, he has been completely against me trying this chemo from the get go. He has seen the affects that it has had on his brother and sister, and while this chemo is nothing like theirs, it is still something going in to my body that we don’t know how my body would respond to it.

So I completely get his reaction but I will admit it frustrated me. Tim went on to ask how this was good news when my symptoms will not improve. He then looked at me as I was trying to walk and get in to his truck with the least amount of pain possible and throws his arm up in the air saying “look at you, you can’t even walk, so yeah wahoo, let’s celebrate”. 

Tim is the type of person who says it how it is and that is one thing that I love…and dislike about him. Haha! I am fully aware of the health issues I have and I am fully aware that while the mass has shrunk, my symptoms will not disappear. I know I have a lot to come at me in the next couple of months but this is something positive. My test results were not highlighted to indicate another problem!! I told Tim in moments like this though, he doesn’t need to tell me what I already know. 

I also know Tim is frustrated and hates seeing me in so much pain which most likely brought out the negativity in his response. He is happy I don’t need the chemo and did apologize as he too has felt consumed with all of the difficult times we have been facing.

But, today I am focusing on the fact that the only option left for me is chemo…something experimental that may or may not help me. I have been praying for guidance as to whether or not I would really go through that last resort because the chemo could open a whole new world of problems for me, and well, today God answered my prayers! I don’t have to decide anymore if chemo is the right route to take, because it’s no longer an option! 

So yes, there are still a lot of issues and concerns in regard to my health but today I am praising God for the good news. One less thing to deal with for now and I will take whatever I can get.  

And once I get my back in shape and can move again, watch out fitbit friends because this one lunger with a crazy heart is going to step it up and try to make those masses disappear! 😜

This morning I got a phone call that I knew would be coming but it was still difficult to receive.

At 3:18am my mom had texted asking if I wanted her to call so I knew exactly what it was regarding. I did call her back which she confirmed that my grandma had passed away. My grandma was 88 and had recently been diagnosed with leukemia then dementia had set in shortly after. 

I am happy to say I have no regrets about not seeing her because Tim and I thankfully stopped in on occasion with the kids to say hi, even a quick visit made her day. And my parents always brought grandma to any of the family events and holidays whether they were at our house, mom and dad’s house, or at my sister or brother’s place. Actually, when I scrapbooked all of the kids’ pictures this last month, I was surprised at how many pictures both of my grandmas were in, and for that alone I am grateful. A lot of great memories and pictures to live on!

I actually had stumbled in to the middle of everything when my grandma first became sick. My uncle lives out of state and is out of the country a lot due to him being an artist and having a lot of shows overseas. My parents were in Florida finishing up their winter stay when one day mom called to say grandma had fallen and was in the local hospital. It sounded like she was going to be discharged the same day but I figured I would stop in to see her before she was sent back home. 

When I went to visit her, I was informed by the nurses that they had more concerns. Due to lab results and symptoms, they were fairly confident my grandma had leukemia. Trying to stay calm, I called my parents and they were soon packing their bags to come home. My quick visit turned in to an all day visit as I tried to comfort my grandma. She definitely was confused with so many things but one thing was for sure….she knew who I was and like a little child who doesn’t want her parents to leave her alone…my grandma pleaded with me not to leave her, so I stayed until she went to bed. I was there early the next morning and again, that smile of hers showed that she knew who I was and was happy to see me return. My sister and brother showed up that day to help and take over as well. And I was extremely grateful for them because the previous day…and morning had been quite emotional on me.

I’m not going to go in to all of the details but at first when I saw my grandma cry, my heart broke. My strong willed and bullheaded grandma was looking to me for comfort and reassurance. That was hard to handle but then I somehow was able to find comfort in her behaviors. I know my grandma has a relationship with Jesus and this was a reminder that my grandma, even at the age of 88, is a child of God. I found comfort knowing that He indeed would be waiting for my grandma, His child, when He called her back home and all the fear and pain and confusion she had expressed, would be no more as He welcomed her.

So, while my grandma has lived a long good life, and we knew this day would be coming soon, it is still difficult to say goodbye. The last few days have been physically crippling for me due to extreme back pain, so of course, my grandma passing now was even more emotional. The storm is still raging on in our lives but we continue to pray and trust in God…He always provides and comforts us…and for me, one way of comfort is through laughter…and leave it to my husband to make me do just that.

When I got the message from my mom at 3:18am I told Tim most likely grandma passed away. I made my way downstairs to call mom and then I spent quite some time after the phone call just crying and praying for my parents, my uncle, as well as the rest of my family to find peace during such a sad time. I eventually returned to our bedroom and told Tim that yes my grandma had passed away. 

Then this morning Tim went to work while I tried to manage kids through my back pain and tears. Tim called to check in like he normally does and said I didn’t sound too good which yes, I had been crying all morning and was simply sad. He then asked about grandma and says “is grandma still sleeping a lot?” 

My face was probably priceless as complete silence overcame us before I just sobbed out “that’s not funny!”…but Tim didn’t get it and repeated his question! Even backing himself by saying I had told him just yesterday that all grandma has been doing the last couple of days is sleep.

So, all while I was thinking what a heartless jerk I was married to, I interrupted him and blurted out “she’s dead!” but then I immediately sensed remorse in his voice. He really didn’t know grandma had passed away!!

He went on to say he was so sorry and thought our conversation last night had been a dream. He was so confused about everything and profusely apologized and acknowledged that my rough morning all made sense to him now. 

Once we hung up, and after repeating the entire phone call back in my head, I couldn’t help but laugh and then Tim sent another text message telling me again how sorry he was, which made me now cry tears of laughter. My grandma always got a kick out of Tim so she probably just shook her head, threw up her arms and got her first chuckle up in heaven! 😊

Leave it to Tim to say something innocently stupid at the absolute worst time…but he made me laugh and that’s one of the many reasons why I love him😍 Plus, I’ve been known to do the same thing!

God is good and always carries us through. I am so blessed to have the time that I did with her. She was a great grandma who blessed me with an amazing dad! Please keep my family in your prayers as some of us travel to wrap up arrangements and say our final goodbyes.